Stacked chips for a rainy day? Man, have we got the ride for you…

Ever heard a big-time rapper claim they stepped straight out of
 poverty, or Compton, into a Hummer? They lied.

You don’t “step” into a Hummer, you climb in. Ungracefully at that. If your girlfriend happens to be Paris, Britney or Lindsey, this is not the car to pick
them up in come those special nights they choose to wear short skirts and air out the laundry.

If you need a little substitute for length the Hummer will go the hard miles
for you, which beats the shit out of pulling a hamstring trying to find that extra half-inch on the dining room table. Not that any of the team at Freestyle have ever experienced that problem…

So why would you buy a Hummer? Well, why would yo’ deck yo’ self out in a sweet diamond-encrusted grill? Or have a set of Playboy twins that spend all
your money? Or have a mach-ed out crib on the hill with tennis courts, heli-pad, nine-hole golf course and Grotto?

The Hummer is a celebration of one’s right to excess. That divine entitlement to snub thy nose at conservatism, extend thy finger at the establishment,
and shake thy ass at the painfully-mundane concept of sensibility.

A Hummer says “what recession…?” A Hummer says “what climate change?” A Hummer says “what danger to sensory-challenged geriatric pedestrians and out-bullied Korean shopping trolleys?”

It’s an automotive symbol of America. A tribute to bigger is better, size does matter and crude oil is in endless supply. You don’t have to be able to take nine slugs in one sitting to look tough in one of these bad boys, but it helps.

So what sort of engine does it take to haul this gargantuan, 2-plus tonne hunk of steal around? It’s American so it must be a strappin’ lump of good ol’ god damn yeeha ‘n hot-dang Detroit-proud bent-eight huh? Well, err, actually no. As it turns out, it’s a 3.7-litre DOHC, wait for it… 5-cylinder that has been befitted with the chore of encouraging this pimpin’ juggernaut along. Considering its inherent battle with ballast, it does a pretty fair job of it at that.

Despite any preconceptions you may have, the big wheeler possesses its fair share of 21st century electro-know-how. Traction control, dynamic rear brake proportioning and electronic stability control all make an appearance, but hey, who cares? You can’t really see Bone Thugs N Harmony ticking off the active safety features.

But, we hear you say, a Prado can take 83.5 passengers. A Pajero won the Paris to Dakar 113 times. The Toureg can tow a 747.  Hey, let’s be real here. Have you ever stood on the sidewalk in awe and envy, watching a Prado, Pajero or Toureg cruise by?

Those Nancy-wagons are made for pre-occupied soccer mums who practice unintended population-control outside primary schools, for well-heeled weekend-warrior retirees and for boring academic couples with 3.2 children and a pair
of Labradoodles that politely sip on puppychinos at clicky café’s of a
 Saturday morning.

When it comes to pure toss-factor, the Hummer is the real deal, the genuine article. The pose-per-penny ratio is outright unmatchable in this country because, in a rare coup, the H3 actually looks more expensive than it is. You won’t need to be strapped with ‘gats, slingin’ ‘cane and runnin’ the game to get your crew on board, but you’ll probably look like you just might be.

Won’t fit in your garage? You’d be surprised. Yeh you could comfortably
accommodate five stoogie-smokin’ Arnie’s across the front of the original
military-spec H1, and the “civilized” H3 does represent a somewhat reconstituted version. However, that said, it still has generous enough dimensions to haul approximately two slightly-emaciated Arnies, with just enough space left for a Danny Devito on the centre console.

While you probably won’t get your average M60 into the trunk, there’s easily enough room for a stash of smart grenades, a few semi-automatics and the odd bunker-buster.

Take into account all the room in the doors for the spare clips, and you
are pretty much as prepared as you are going to be for an all-out assault on
the town.

Despite outwardly appearances, visibility is actually quite good. Especially
courtesy them jumbo-spec wing mirrors, which as it turns out you don’t need anyway. For some reason, when you indicate and start moving over, there is never anyone there…

As for the H3’s off-road ability, you can take these things off road too?
Man this bad boy just keeps on giving! In actual fact we weren’t particularly concerned about crawl ratios, grade capabilities and water fording depths, but we did roll it over a few tree roots in my mum’s front yard. Which I might add, was previously un-chartered territory for a four-wheeled vehicle. These weren’t just your average garden-variety roots though, I used to use them as kickers on my motocross bike as a kid. Actually it was only last year.

As it turns out it will be the one and only ‘yard crossing,’ and in retrospect,
I really should have called mother on approach. Only after identifying myself on a megaphone while waving a white hankerchief and explaining we weren’t actually terrorists in a hostile takeover, was I able to convince her to put down the 12-guage.

So a Hummer’s not for everyone, but hey, if we had a lazy sixty large layin’ around, we’d probably have ourselves one. Just for the off-road capabilities and towing capacity, you know? Nothing to do with trying to compensate for physical short-comings, or having a mid-life crisis, or…

SPECS. 2008 H3 HUMMER

• 3.7-litre DOHC 20-Valve in-line 5-cylinder with VVT
• 180kW @ 5,600rpm
• 328Nm @ 4,600rpm
• 5-speed Manual / 4-speed Auto
• Weight. 2245kg
• Height. 1904mm
• Width. 1989mm
• Length. 4782mm

H3: $52,990* (manual) $54,990* (automatic)
H3 Luxury: $60,990* (automatic)
H3 Adventure: $58,990* (manual) $60,990* (automatic)

Visit HUMMER to book a test drive.

Review by Nathan Luck. Photography by Phil Cooper